The Oscars Suck: Chairgatin’ 2017 Movie Awards

As we pretty much all already knew, the Oscars suck. I vaguely remember a time when the Oscars actually selected the best movies for each year, movies people actually enjoyed. I understand what the majority of people enjoy the most doesn’t make it the best. In fact, I tend to hate the popular opinion more than most, but how many people are actually willing to admit that lineup of nominees represented the best? Now, of course you can be that type of person that claims to have LOVED The Shape of Water, and maybe you did, but I have a hard time considering that inter-species aquatic porn the best film of the entire year.

Being the dedicated movie fan that I am, I took it upon myself to create my own categories and select the winner of each. I’m not just some average guy who saw the blockbuster hits and claims to have advance knowledge either. I see a new movie in theaters at least once a week, every week. I can honestly say I saw any worth-while film of 2017. I can also honestly say that I’m not an artsy try-hard with a pompous attitude toward the “common man”. In fact, I like to proudly claim the title of common man. So for all you common men or women reading this, you’re in good hands.

To quickly breakdown these 2017 Chairgatin’ Movie Awards, I have created 17 categories and have absolutely no limit on nominees. Unlike the stupid Oscars, my nominees are listed in order from best to worst for each category. This way, you know where the other films rank compared to each other. Most of the categories are pretty damn self-explanatory but others may only make sense in my dumb brain so let me explain those real quick:

Just like the best sequel category, some movies we do not need to see again. The ‘Please Don’t Make a Sequel’ category isn’t necessarily the absolute worst movie of the year, but it is a terribly awful movie with the potential for a sequel no one should want to see. The ‘Most Overrated’ category also doesn’t mean it’s even a bad movie but it just doesn’t deserve all the hype it got (we’re looking at you Oscars nominees). The ‘Most Original Movie’ is for a movie concept or theme that we haven’t really seen before (so pretty much anything other than a super hero movie). ‘Hardest Movies to Watch’ essentially means it’s surprisingly gruesome and gory. ‘Most Compelling Plot’ is reserved for either a remarkably true story or one that directly deals with a real issue. The last interesting category that I’m fairly proud of is the ‘Must Have Been Cloned in 2017’ which refers to actors or actresses that we saw in a lot of shit and totally killed it.

Also, I chose the movies on this list for when they were theatrically released or televised in the US. Some were technically released in 2016 for film festivals or in other countries but the majority of Americans didn’t see these movies until 2017. So without further ado: The first ever, “Oscars Suck, Chairgatin’ 2017 Movie Awards”

wind-river

Best Movie of 2017

Winner: Wind River
Logan
Thor: Ragnarok
Logan Lucky
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
The Disaster Artist
Baby Driver

logan

Best Super Hero Movie of 2017

Winner: Logan
Thor: Ragnarok
Spider-Man: Homecoming
LEGO: Batman
Justice League
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Wonder Woman

lego-batman

Best Animated Movie of 2017

Winner: LEGO: Batman
Coco
Cars 3
LEGO Ninjago
Capitan Underpants

devils-candy

Best Horror Movie of 2017

Winner: Devil’s Candy
Gerald’s Game
My friend dahmer
Annabelle: Creation
1922
It
Happy Death Day

logan-lucky

Best Comedy Movie of 2017

Winner: Logan Lucky
LEGO: Batman
Thor: Ragnarok
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Little Hours
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
The Disaster Artist

wind-river

Most Suspenseful Movie of 2017

Winner: Wind River
The Girl With All the Gifts
Split
Gerald’s Game
Alien: Covenant
Baby Driver
Dunkirk
It Comes At Night

american-assassin

Best Action Movie of 2017

Winner: American Assassin
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Alien: Covenant
Thor: Ragnarok
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Kingsman: The Golden Circle

last-jedi

Most Re-Watchable Movie of 2017

Winner: Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Thor: Ragnarok
Logan Lucky
Baby Driver
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

disaster-artist

Best Acting of 2017

Winner: James Franco – Tommy (The Disaster Artist)
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau – Money (Shot Caller)
James McAvoy – Dennis and friends (Split)
Sam Rockwell – Dixon (Three Billboards)
Patrick Stewart – Charles (Logan)
Carla Gugino – Jessie (Gerald’s Game)

shot-caller

Most Underrated Movie of 2017

Winner: Shot Caller
Wind River
Devil’s Candy
Logan Lucky
LEGO: Batman

shape-of-water

Most Overrated Movie of 2017

Winner: The Shape of Water
The Big Sick
Get Out
Lady Bird
Blade Runner 2049
Wonder Woman

last-jedi

Best Sequel of 2017

Winner: Star Wars: The Last Jedi
John Wick 2
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
War for the Planet of the Apes
T2 Trainspotting
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

dark-tower

Please Don’t Make a Sequel

Winner: The Dark Tower
Transformers: The Last Knight
xXx Return of Xander Cage
Rings
Fifty Shades Darker

brigsby-bear

Most Original Movie of 2017

Winner: Brigsby Bear
The Disaster Artist
Little Hours
Personal Shopper
Good Time
Three Billboards
Brawl in Cell Block 99
The Babysitter
Colossal

brawl-in-cell-block-99

Hardest Movie to Watch of 2017

Winner: Brawl in Cell Block 99
Raw
A Cure for Wellness
Gerald’s Game
Mother
Devil’s Candy

silence

Most Compelling Plot of 2017

Winner: Silence
Wind River
The Lost City of Z
Shot Caller
Dunkirk
Three Billboards

jon-bernthal

Must Have Been Cloned in 2017

Winner: Jon Bernthal (Wind River, Baby Driver, Sweet Virginia, Pilgrimage, Shot Caller)
Idris Elba (Dark Tower, Molly’s Game, Mountain Between Us, Thor)
Katherine Watson (Alien, Fantastic Beasts, Logan Lucky)
Woody Harrelson (Planet of the Apes, Glass Castle, Three Billboards)
The Rock (Fate of the Furious, Baywatch, Jumanji)
Tom Holland (Pilgrimage, Spider-Man, Current War)
Samuel L. Jackson (xXx, Kong, Hitman’s Bodyguard)

chairgatin-dont-be-dumb

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